


When Fear Strikes

by SanguineHope



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Flashback, Grief, Magic, Nightmares, PTSD, Worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-03
Updated: 2015-07-03
Packaged: 2018-04-07 11:50:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4262265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SanguineHope/pseuds/SanguineHope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part one of three. One night Cullen has a PTSD flashback which he believes Nesira is a demon. He blames himself in the end and Dorian comes to Nesira’s aid for Comfort. The next few weeks Cullen will avoid Nesira before going to Cassandra to request a replacement, and then Nesira will go and help him afterward.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Facing Reality

**"Cullen, Cullen wake up."**  Nesira felt a panic in her heart as it started to beat quickly against her ribcage. He wasn't wake up. He was muttering underneath his lips, she couldn't make out what he was saying but he was covered in sweat. The night sky beamed into the open roof where the hole had not been repaired. But the moon, even though its rays flowed into the room it kept its distance, hidden to the side. It was foreboding, as if the moon was hiding from whatever was going on with the Commander. Nesira's arms reached over and touch his chiseled muscle, shook him but nothing. All she saw was him turning his head and muttering more. His brows pushed together as he looked in pain and Nesira was feeling entirely helpless. Maybe if she entered his dreams, she could help him. Somehow the mark had given her powers of a dreamer and Solas had been teaching her how to use that power.  
  
But she couldn't find the will to do such a thing to the man she cared so much about. It was an invasion of privacy, something she would not do until he had said she could. She had come to visit him because she couldn't sleep, the echoing words of the nightmare was in her mind and she just couldn't sleep from that fear. Now, though, she was shaking in terror at the man who was here, unable to wake up and looked sickly from demons haunting him.  **"Cullen, please, wake up."**  She said, her eyes big and staring at him as he twisted away from her, seeing the beads of sweat dripping off of his body.   
  
 **"Demon.."**  His words finally formed together as she paused. Demon... Wait, what was this nightmare about?? Is the what is happening to him whenever he sleeps from being off of Lyrium. She knew he had anger issues, she knew he could easily snapped but she's never seen him in this state. A chill ran down her spine as she stood there frozen for a moment, unable to move or react. Demon. He shook as Nesira instantly reached over and climbed on the bed, touching his arm.  **"Cullen, please."**  
  
What happen next shook her to the core.  
  
Cullen flinched at her touch and pulled away, quickly jumping out of the bed and to the other side standing up. Nesira quickly shifted off the bed as well, standing there in a simple off the shoulders tunic. Her hand tightened as she stared at the man who was just standing there, his curly hair a mess and dripping with his own sweat. **"Begone."**  He spoke quietly but was obviously not an anything to be argued with. Nesira didn't understand, she reached forward but stopped and pulled her back.  **"But Cullen. I want to help you, I don't know what's wrong but I'm here."**  She said as softly as possible, laced with concern on her words.  **"You will leave me be Demon. You will not have me."**  He spoke so flat, as if speaking from another time. This wasn't Cullen that Nesira knew, something was wrong, terribly wrong. His eyes opened up as he looked toward her and she thought for a moment that those eyes were lifeless, glazed over and blank. As if he was having a memory lapse.  
  
 **"I, Cullen..."**  Her throat tightened as she couldn't move from where she was standing, and Cullen quickly grabbed the sword by his bed, his muscles bulging as he tightened his grip over his sword.  **"Maker protect me, shield me from the desires they speak."**  Cullen spoke to himself as he held his sword, pointed straight toward her. Nesira knew she should run, to find Cassandra or Dorian. Someone, someone to help her, but her muscles held her frozen. She felt a pressure against her throat as it was hard to swallow though she sucked in air quickly. All she could do was blink, as the world around them became dark as midnight.  **"Die Demon."**  He spoke suddenly, his voice deep and dangerous, as he jumped over the bed and rushed Nesira with that Sword.  **"NO CULLEN!"**  Nesira shouted in apprehensive as she rushed backwards and hit the wall and then suddenly caused a barrier around her. She heard the clash of the sword against the barrier, as sparks of blue light glowed like electricity from where it hit. Again and again he hit at the barrier, as Nesira crouched down her hands over her head. She couldn't hurt him, she couldn't. She wouldn't use magic on him, he's come too far!! She would not become hate he hated, but what did she do!! Her heart was racing, the beating against her chest becoming so unbearable to handle as she heard Cullen yelling. But she couldn't make out the words. The pulsing of her blood was echoing in her ears as it was hard to determine what was happening. All she could do was crouch there and focus on her magic. She was pushing everything into the barrier, hoping against all hope someone might come in and heard this.  
  
But no one came in.  
  
 **"Cullen, please stop!"**  Nesira said past tears as she was against the ground now, the shadows engulfing her thoughts. Suddenly, she swore she could hear the nightmare echoing in her ear again, taunting her with the fears.  _"Ah, Inquisitor, that man you love will never love you. You will lose him, like you will lose everyone. HE will fear you in the end and destroy you. Your love will be your undoing."_   **"No no no, stop, please!"**  She whimpered. She was the Inquisitor, she had battled demons, venatori, she's been to the future and she had defeated dragons!! Yet all she could do now was beg in her mind that Cullen would break from his flashback. Her words though, at that moment where for him but her own fear. She didn't want to think about the Nightmare, that giant spider with its thousands of eyes bearing down upon her but what if...what if he was right? Uncertainty reigned upon her.  _"Did you think you really mattered Nesira. Oh sweet Nessie? Nothing you do will matter, nothing you ever will do will matter. In the end they will curse your name."_  Nesira felt the world crashing around her as her hands tighten around her head, staring at the floor.   
  
 **"CULLEN!!"**  She suddenly yelled as she heard one last crash and then nothing. Suddenly the clang of metal hit the ground and there was pure silence except for the echoing call of the crow in the distance. Slowly, her hands moved from the side of her head, sweat against her own brow from holding the barrier indefinitely and she looked up slowly. She could finally see Cullen just standing there, shock in his eyes as he stared at the woman on the floor, utter despair as he looked as if he was about to lose it.  **"Nesira, no, no please."**  Cullen reached out but then pulled back, and quickly turned his back on her, forcing himself into the shadows of a corner. His arm leaned against the wall as he head rested on his forearm. Nesira's magic faded away, the blue glow of the barrier leaving darkness to take over the room again. She moved her hand up against the wall, standing up to gaze at the man who looked broken and defeated. No, she didn't want this! She was glad to have him back but now he just looked broken.  
  
Nesira's feet moved but she felt as if she was traveling through the bogs of the Fallow Mires.  **"Don't come any closer, I don't deserve you near me Inquisitor."** Nesira stopped as she stared at the man who wasn't moving. The shadows danced over his body and she was afraid they were going to swallow him whole. She moved her hand up to press against her lips as her red hair dancing along her face and shaping it.  **"Cullen, please don't call me that. It's not your fault."**    
  
 **"But it is my fault!"**  He shouted, turning around to look at her.  **"Its my fault I almost hurt you. I broke off lyrium, and because of that I put the Inquisition, I put you, in danger!"**  The etching of heartache was all over his face, his arms dropping to his side in defeat. The power that she saw in him was gone for now, and he looked as if he had been struck a blow he could not fight against. Nesira felt her eyes watering up, trying to will herself not to cry. HE turned to pace the side of the wall, his arm moving as he talked.  **"Look at what I did to you. What if I? What if you?"**  His voice strained as he felt like he was choking back his emotions.  **"I could never forgive myself if I did that. No, leave me Nesira. Don't get near me."**  Cullen said, trying to protect her. Nesira couldn't do that though, as she took another step forward.  **"Cullen, please. I don't want to leave you, that wasn't you, you wouldn't hurt me."**  She said, her ears drooping downward as she looked like a kitten drowning.  **"But Nesira, that was me and I almost did."**  His voice cracked as it was so low and in pain.  
  
 **"Please, just go."**  Nesira's lips pulled into her mouth, her eyes wide as tears fell from them. She met Cullen's gaze, staring at his beautiful golden eyes and she could see his own pain and fears in his eyes.  **"Don't do this Cullen, please don't do this. Let me help you."**  Nesira said through her tears as they were streaming down her face. Cullen's heart dropped as he saw what he had done to her, how he had broken her from him doing what he thought was best.  **"Just give me some time Nesira."**  He said softly, his voice heaved through his lips. Nesira reached forward and gave a small nod. Without waiting, she slid down the ladder and ran out of his office. Her bare feet padded against the ground, making no noise like a deer in the woods. Her hair flew behind her like fire in the wind, taking the avenue she could to make sure she didn't pass by anyone. She didn't want anyone seeing her crying like this, as tears streamed down her face, her eyes glowing against the darkness of the night. The ramparts lead her toward one of the halls that could lead her to her room without going through the grand hall. He feet continue to move without stopping, her muscles burning as she ran into her room. It was silent, only the fire sparking in the fireplace and the light glowing against all the walls. Her desk was empty of all paperwork, but she continued to move past that and onto the balcony. She moved to the corner, leaning against the wall before sliding down it slowly. It was a deep open wound as she felt her body shaking as she wrapped her arms around her knees and placed her face on her knees. She tried to hide her sobs, stifling them at first but she couldn't hold it in as her grief rolled out and she gasp for air past her sounds of devastation. Cullen was beyond hurt and she couldn't do anything to help him. But what was worse was her sadness wasn't for herself, it was for him. He had been so hurt that even his sleep wasn't safe. And to make it even a heavier burden, she could do nothing for him.   
  
 **"Nesira."**  A voice rang out to the right of her as she jumped and looked up. She could see the older man standing there, leaning against the frame and his most undeniable traits of his mustache and belted outfit against the light.  **"Dorian, I'm fine."**  She said, as she rubbed her arm against her eyes, but it did nothing to stop her tears. He didn't speak, but instead moved over to her and got down on his knees, pulling her into a hug. Almost instantly, Nesira started to cry again, as she cling to him, her eyes closed and her tears running down her face as he just held her in silence. Soon, there was no more tears to cry, as his hand rubbed her back and just waited for her to talk. Dorian always knew when she was in trouble, Nesira didn't know how he did it but he knew. There was no words from the usually confident and boisterous man, but just him being there helped her.  **"There we go, no more waterfalls. Can't have our fine creature crying can we?"**  He spoke lightheartedly, but he wasn't putting her down either. Nesira had a small weak smile on her face, as he always seem to know what to say to get a smile out of her even in such a condition.  
  
 **"Do you want to talk about it?"**  He asked, his voice intertwined with concern for his friend. She swallowed back her sadness as she gazed at him and shook her head.  **"I..can't right now. I'll start crying again."**  She told him and Dorian gave a small nod.  **"All in due time then. Do you want me to leave?"**  Nesira quickly grabbed his forearm and shook her head.  **"Please don't."**  She said, and Dorian sat down, pressing his back against the wall and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. **"Then I will stay as long as you need me. I'm here to listen, plus you know I'm not afraid to talk about myself if you really want me too. I'm absolutely charming."**  HE said with a smirk on his lips and Nesira held a little chuckle. She leaned up against her friend, glad for the comfort.


	2. Avoidance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part two of three. Cullen has been quick to avoid Nesira for the next few weeks. Nesira can’t seem to get close to Cullen which is leaving her dishearten because she believes he hates her for what she is; a mage. Varric and Leliana, who has seen Cullen in the worse conditions, lend a hand to try and help her feel better.

Nesira had kept her distance from Cullen ever since that night. She didn't know what to do or say to help the man. Everytime she came close to getting near him, to talk to him, he would somehow find something else to do and immediately leave to do it which meant he was gone from her site. It bothered her, as she sat on top of the roof of the tavern staring down at the people coming around. Her arms wrapped around her legs as she rested her chin on her knees.  **"Your a hard woman to find Rose."**  The familiar voice of Varric caught Nesira's ear as it twitched slightly and she looked over her shoulder to see the dwarf actually climbing through the window and into the roof.  **"I'm not trying to hide."**  She added in turn, as she stretched her legs out and rested her arms behind her as if she was sunbathing.  **"How are you?"**  He asked in that soft husky tone of his, obviously stitched with concern. He shifted to sit down on the roof, and shook his head.  **"I don't know how you sit up where instead of having your feet on the ground."**  
  
A smile crossed Nesira's lip, avoiding the first question.  **"It's kind of freeing, just being able to watch people yet not having to interact."**  Varric's head nodded a bit as he he sat there for a minute, letting her sit in silence.  **"I'm not okay Varric, I haven't been for awhile."**  Nesira finally spilled as she looked over at the dwarf who tilted his head toward her.  **"Well Rose, you know I'm easy on the ears. Let's here it."**  He said, leaning forward to rest his arms on his knees and Nesira turned to look at him. She had told Dorian what had happened but no one else. It has hard to talk about it but Varric, she knew he would tell her the hard truth even if it wasn't something she wanted to hear. All her companions did. But at the same time he was so easy to talk to and she felt she needed to talk before she started to harden herself.  
  
 **"Everytime I try to talk to Cullen he vanishes. I can't seem to get to him and get him to talk to me."**  She sighed as she looked out toward the practice field and Cullen was no where to be found. She was sure he was in his office or off somewhere else.  **"We had an accident, and now he's blaming himself and doesn't want to be anywhere near me."**  Varric nodded his head sage-like as he looked over to Nesira.  **"You know, for a human he has the stubbornness of a dwarf. But he's seen things that no one else has seen. His history is not an easy one. Of all the templars I've known, he's the one who always wanted to do the best for mages, even though it may have not been the right way."**  Nesira looked over at him and she felt her lips turn downward. So what, Cullen thought he was doing what was best by not talking to her, communicating?  **"But he doesn't always know how to show it right. What he's doing may not be right but he's trying to protect you. Cullen would never want you in danger, much as your luck seems to put you in the way of danger anyway."**  Nesira couldn't help but smile a little bit at that thought.  **"You always did say I was a miracle with the worse of luck."**  She told the dwarf.  
  
 **"Exactly Rose."**  He shook his head as he glanced over toward the field and then back toward Nesira.  **"How bout this. I'll go find Cullen and try and loosen him up. Get him to finally come to talk with you."**  Nesira looked shocked as she moved to leaned toward him and staring with amazement.  **"You would...do that?"**  She said, though she didn't know why she was so surprise.  **"Come on Red, do you have so little faith in me?"**  Varric said with that smirk on his face and Nesira just smiled in turn.  **"Thank you Varric. I just, don't know what to do right now."**  Varric reached over and touched her shoulder.  **"Go do something you enjoy, Hang out with Dorian or maybe chase down some dragons. You're good at that."**  Varric said as he stood up and moved back through the window. Nesira watched as Varric left and then stood up on her own.   
  
What to do what to do.  
  
Nesira climbed through the window, moving down the stairs and out of the tavern after giving Iron Bull a wave and headed back to the great hall. Her dress trailed around her slim body as she moved into the great hall as several eyes all turned on her and some gave a nod of their head while the other bowed. She would never get use to such actions, as she also nodded her head and moved around and headed to the war room. Once she was through the first door, her bare feet first walking before she turned into a sprint. She passed through Josephine’s office who stood up and watched the Inquisitor race by and she looked concerned. Nesira slammed open the doors as they hit the wall and then she closed them behind her. Do something she enjoyed. Well, even if she tried she couldn’t relax. Instead she moved to the war table, her fingers moving along the map as she looked at what needed to be done.   
  
But she couldn’t focus, as she took one of the pieces and was just waving it in her fingers, before realizing it was one of the forces pieces, one that belonged to Cullen. She gazed at it, as her hands quickly swiped across the board, slamming all the pieces to the ground. Anger rushed through the normally calm and collected woman. The anger wasn’t at Cullen, the boiling rage was at herself. She felt her veins on fire, each bone in her body glaringly sharp and painful. The vortex of fire surrounded her soul, burning like lava and destroying her from the inside out.   
  
 **” I hate being a mage!”**  She yelled as she slammed her fist against the table and just as fast as that anger boiled to the surface it cooled like magma and she sank to the ground.She felt overwhelmed and no idea how to fix herself. She couldn’t get rid of her magic unless she went tranquil, and after hearing about it from Cassandra, there was no way she could put herself through that. She couldn’t lose her emotions, that's what made her who she was. She slowly sank to the ground, her hair cascading down around her face and tears streaming from her eyes.  **”Please don’t tell me you believe that Inquisitor.”**  A voice said from the shadows as she jumped half way out of her skin and looked up, the disarray all over her face. Leliana spoke out calmly, as she moved over toward her and crouched down with her arms on her legs.  **”But I do. Look at what my magic has done. Its chased away the man I care about. Maybe all the stories of magic is true, it's only going to cause harm.”**  Leliana had quickly shaken her head in argument.  **”No. No those stories aren’t true. I’ve seen magic used for good. I’ve seen it used for bad. But it doesn’t make you who you are. You have shown the world just how powerful magic is in the hands of someone selfless.”**  
  
Leliana took a moment, hesitate almost, but she dropped down onto her knees and wrapped her arms around her.  **”Cullen, he’s seen the worse of magic. He’s seen what evil men could do with it. That’s what haunts him, in his dreams. He doesn’t hate you or your magic.”**  Nesira’s fist were curled up together tightly, as she could see her mark glowing and flashed with so many colors at the moment. The main color was dark red, but flashes of dark purple, blue, and green always wavered within it as well as grey. All those colors, they must have been what she felt. The fear of what Cullen thought of her, the way she felt the guilt of what she was to him. She couldn't help the anger that boiled underneath her that she could do nothing to help him and most of all, she felt dirty. She felt as if her magic was tainted because it had caused so much pain to the man she cared for.  
  
 **”I was there in the circle, I saw what happened to him. He’s come a long way, though. From the circle, from Kirkwall, the man he is now is not the man he was. And I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”**  Nesira looked over to Leliana, not surprised she knew. She was the spymaster after all. Leliana just smiled and nodded.  **”I’ve never seen him look at anyone like that before, he cares for you deeply, unconditional. He’s just in a tough state at the moment. He fears that he will hurt you as he has before. His history, it haunts him like a demon in the night.”**  The way Leliana spoke was like she was telling a story. She was a bard after all, but hearing it was almost making it surreal.  **”I just wish I could help him.”**  Leliana tilted her head as she looked confused.  
  
 **”Don’t you know, you can.”**  Nesira looked over to her and shook her head.  **”But I can’t, he runs from me.”**  
  
With ease, Leliana took both of her hands.  **”Don’t let that tell you you can’t. If you quit trying, you only have yourself to blame. Don’t give up on him or yourself. Fight. Fight like you always have, even in the midst of adversity. You, you have been through much worse things than this. Show him you are going to fight for this, fight for his heart, fight for everything. He’s doing what he think is right, to protect you. Show him you won’t let that stand in your way. You must be willing to give it your all, else you’ll never know.”**  Her voice held such conviction and power, the Leliana she knew as a spymaster. Nesira moved to reach over to brush away her tears only to feel the gentle hand of Leliana brushing away her tears instead.  **”I once loved as well my lady. At least, I was but she wasn’t. She used my love to get what she wanted. Cullen doesn’t do that, his emotions are genuine for your safety. Both of you are selfless, so its true. That’s something you can’t let go of, never let it go.”**  Her hands held Nesira’s so tightly that Nesira couldn’t help but stare at her with such amazement. She knew Leliana held her ideas with such truth and power, but she had never seen it in this matter. Leliana always left her without words something, she had no idea how to react when she held such power in her thoughts.  **”When you are ready, you should go to him. He is pushing away because he worries, but push back. Show him you’re not afraid to fight for this.”**  And without thinking, Leliana pulled Nesira into her arms. Nesira was completely shocked, the emotion and confidence in Leliana’s voice was something she didn’t have at the moment, as she sat there before burying her face into Leliana’s chest.  
  
 **”Come, Inquisitor. Let’s sit by the fire, get you something to eat and let you relax. Than you can do what you believe is right. You always have.”** Leliana let her go and stood up, her hand outreached to her as Nesira took it and stood up.  **”You know, food does sound good.”**  She said, as her stomach growled.  
  
 **”Inquisitor, when was the last time you ate?”**  Leliana said, now sounding like a mother dotting upon her daughter.  **”I, well, you see…”**  Leliana just smirked and let go of her hand, leading the way toward Josephine’s office. Josephine was standing up, waiting by the door and Nesira wondered just how long she had been there. **”Come, sit.”**  Josephine quickly said, as she gathered up a blanket and when Nesira sat down, she wrapping the blanket around her as if she was one of her siblings. She tucked in the blanket around the side and then a platter of food was set down upon her lap.  **”Wait, you two were waiting for me, weren’t you?”**  Josephine and Leliana glanced at each other and just smiled looking back toward Nesira.  
  
 **”Thank you, both of you. Can you tell me what’s been going on Josephine? Some of the up to date gossip of the nobles?”**  Nesira asked. She wasn’t truly a fan of the nobles, but Josephine always had the most hilarious gossip when it came to the sports of the game. Josephine looked all to please to speak with her, sitting on the left side and resting eagering moving her hands to start the story. Leliana took to sitting on the right side of Nesira, as quiet as a fox yet still watching over the two of them like she always did from the shadows.  
  
 **”Oh, you must hear this inquisitor. The Duke and Baroness were out for a prize hunt…”**


	3. Endurance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part Three of three! Nesira finally gets her confidence to confront Cullen, only to find out Cassandra was asked to replace him. Nesira goes back to Cullen to hear more about his past and she shows him that she is willing to stand with him through it all.

After a few days of relaxing and preparing herself, she made her way out of the front door of Skyhold. The sun was glaring down upon her even though it was winter. The magic in Skyhold kept it spring year round which was wonderful, the perfect temperature to stay cool. But that sun was deadly and almost tempting her to retreat back to her room. The fear in her heart was doing the same thing. Should she try? No, she had to. She pushed past the sunlight that blinded her eyes, pass the fear that clawed around her heart and moved down the flight of stairs. She walked with a defined purpose and people parted like the red seas to give her way. She moved down the steps passed all the visitors and soldiers. It was a long walk but one she had prepared herself for. She had to see him, she had to talk to him. It felt like centuries, this walk. But the moment she came to his door her hand wavered. A small shake came over it as she lingered at the doorknob, staring at it. Should she enter? No, that wasn't even a question, she would enter. Her and grabbed the knob and pushed it open.  
  
 **"Cullen."**  She spoke out but when she looked up she saw no one was there. She eyes gazed over the entire interior of his office yet there wasn't a sign he was there. What was even more bothersome was that his desk was completely neat, all his notes in a pile and his books up on the shelf. Something wasn't right and it shook her to the core.  **"Your Worship."**  A voice caught her ear as she turned to look toward the agent who was standing there.  **"If you are looking for the Commander he isn't here right now. He's in a meeting with Seeker Pentaghast."**  Nesira's brow creased together as she moved toward him.  **"And why is that?"**  She asked, sounding more like the Inquisitor than Nesira at that moment. Her shoulders moved back and straight and she stood there like an authority figure. Almost immediately the agent didn't stumble in his word.  **"I am unsure Your Worship, I was only informed to tell anyone who came here that he was unavailable at the moment. The only information I have is that he is in the weaponry office."**  She nodded her head as she reached over and touched his shoulder.  **"Thank you."**  she said and she stepped out of the office.   
  
The entire visage faded as she quickly moved her feet across the ramparts, looking over to the mountains for a moment, feeling as if that was the distance she felt with Cullen at the moment. She couldn't' reach him, every time she thought she got close he was one step ahead of her. Her heart was shattering with each moment as she turned back and moved down the stairs. The weaponry was just ahead of her, and she found her steps moving hastily toward it. Just as she was about to open the door though, she paused and could hear the conversation from within. It wasn't hard to tell who was who.  
  
 **"You asked for my opinion and I've given it. Why would you expect it to change so suddenly Cullen?"**  The voice was sharp and solid, something Nesira always expected from Cassandra. She was so sure of herself in everything she did and it was something Nesira admired from the woman.  **"I expect you to keep your word. It's relentless, it doesn't stop. I did things, I...I told you what I did Cassandra. I can't--"**  Nesira felt her heart stop as she knew exactly what Cullen was talking about. She felt a sheer cold flow over her entire skin even though it was a warmth in the courtyard. Her hand hovered over the door, unable to find the will to open it at the moment.  **"You give yourself too little credit. You have it in you to--"**  Cullen's voice growled as she swore she could hear the wringing of his leather as his hands curled into a fist.  **"You need to replace me! NOW!"**  His stubborn voice was so firm in what he wanted that it left her panicked. HE wanted to leave??? He wanted to be replaced!?!?  **"And once again Cullen, I'm telling you the same answer I have given you before."**  
  
 **"If I'm unable to fulfill what vows I kept, than nothing good has come of this. Would you rather save face than admit-"**  Without realizing it, Nesira opened the door, as it hit toward the wall and she stepped inside. Her heart fluttered for a moment, being so close to Cullen once again but what she saw was worse than facing Corypheus himself. The man looked weary, dark circles under his eyes as if he hadn't slept one moment. But that wasn't even the worse of it. He appeared almost broken, weary from the years that battered at him though she still didn't know what had happened. She never thought to ask, but then again she knew it was not her place to ask such sensitive questions about that. She refused to be so cruel as to bring up what his history was that he left behind. All she wanted to do was take Cullen in her arms, embrace him and tell him that it would be alright. Instead, all she saw was his head drop, his eyes lingering at the ground as if he wouldn't look at her. Ashamed? Was that what she was seeing? She moved toward him but instead he walked around her, not even touching her but two single words left his mouth.  **"Forgive me."**  He told her, unable to say anything else and he quickly left the room. She reached her hand out toward him, as once again he left her sight of vision and her hand slowly dropped to her side. With shaky hands, she turned to look at Cassandra as she moved over to shut the weaponry room door.  
  
 **"And People say all the time that I'm the stubborn one."**  She spoke at the door before looking over to Nesira.  **"You are aware that Cullen is no longer taking Lyrium, correct?"**  Her voice was firm but curious, as Nesira nodded her head.  **"Of course, I told him that I respected his decision but..."**  Nesira wavered, not truly knowing the effects that it would have on him.  **"He told me what happened. Its one of the effects of Lyrium, but it's not truly the man he is. Even though he had that moment, I truly believe that he can handle this. So I also respect his decision. The problem is is that he is not willing to listen. He wishes for me to recommend a replace for him."**  Nesira knew her heart stopped for sure this time.  
  
That's why his office was so clean and all the books shelved. He was gearing up to leave. To leave the inquisition, to leave her, to leave everything. Nesira's eyes welled up but she refuse to let the tears cascade down her eyes.  **"But I refused, I don't believe it is necessary."**  Cassandra quickly confirmed, her hand moved to the side and looking to Nesira as if to let her know that all would be well.  **"You do know how far he's come, how hard he's work to become the man he is now. If I told him I was going to replace him, he would break, it would ultimately destroy him."**  Nesira knew what she meant, if he had fought so hard for so long, it would. Nesira started to feel an undying need to support Cullen, to let him know that no matter what he could do this. It didn't matter what happened to her, or their relationship. No, this was about him, she had to show him he could do this.  **"I just don't understand why he didn't tell me. I could have helped him."**  
  
Cassandra's head shook as she looked to her.  **"Cullen and I had an agreement long before we met you. This was something he made, he was going to no longer take lyrium the moment he joined the inquisition. As a seeker I would be able to evaluate his being and stature and make a sound decision without outside influence."**  Nesira lowered her head as Cassandra reached out to touch her shoulder.  **"He also did not want to risk your disappointment. HE didn't want this to be on your shoulders."**  Nesira looked up at Cassandra, that hand of hers confident but also caring.  **"Is there anything I can do to help? Anything in my power to ease his mind, or pain, or anything??"**  Nesira stammered as Cassandra nodded, a soft smile on her lips that so few people actually got to see.  **"If anyone could change his mind and let him know he can do this, its you Inquisitor. You have more influence over him than you realize."**  She turned to gaze at the fire, as Cassandra took a deep breath.  **"Mages have made their suffering known through the ages, but Templars, they have kept themselves quiet. They never waver from their duty, never argued or fought back. They lived to serve. They were bound to the order. Their mind, soul, everything about them. And their lyrium leash was always held by another. Lyrium controlled them yet they never protested against it."**  Cassandra turned back to Nesira and spoke with firm belief on her mind.  **"Cullen has a chance to break that leash, to prove himself--And to anyone who would want to follow his lead--that it's possible. But that's only if he can stand strong against this."**  Nesira had never heard of lyrium in this manner. When Cassandra said that they never made their pain known, she knew it was true. Cullen had never once told her about lyrium, how it affected him or controlled him. The fact that he was bound to such a thing brought sadness to her mind. But even more so that he was having to endure this on his own.  **"I know he can, he's always been able to do it."**  Nesira said on her own accord and Cassandra nodded.  
  
 **"I met him in Kirkwall, and the moment I saw him I knew he could. His fear is clawing at him though. You could ease his worry. Talk to him, Decided if now is that time."**  Cassandra told her, as if putting a soul in her hands and telling Nesira to decide to hold it captive or let it free. Nesira gazed at the woman and nodded.  **"Thank you Cassandra, for giving me at least a glimpse of what is going on. I'll do my best."**  Cassandra's lips curled into another smile.  **"I have faith in you Inquisitor, you have not let us down."**  Nesira though, always wondered if there would ever be a yet on the end of those sentences. Everyone had so much faith in her and she had faith in her gods and the Maker. But sometimes she never felt she was worthy. Worthy of the respect and honor these people gave her. But she would try, she would always do her best to stand up to what they wanted.  
  
Quickly she left the weaponry, urgency upon her entire soul as she forced herself to walk as quickly as she could without looking as if trouble was on the horizon. She took the same path she did, walking up the stairs and down the ramparts as she moved toward the door where she hoped Cullen was at. Many people had already parted ways once again for her, as she felt like some angel that people feared to get near. But that was the least of her worries right now. She wanted to find Cullen, to confide in him, to let him know that everything would be okay. This was her chance to show that she was okay, that whatever haunted him in the depths of his dreams, they would not push her away.   
  
The door was open, left as it had been when she went in to find him the first time, and she was beyond eager to move inside. But just as she stepped past the threshold, she heard Cullen yelling and something came rushing toward the door. Nesira let out a small squeal as she stumbled backwards, nearly falling backwards onto her bottom but she was able to recover herself with odd grace.  **”Cullen…”**  She said softly, worried for him.  **"Maker's Breath! I didn't hear you enter, I...Forgive me."**  He cut his sentence short, unable to handle the fact that he nearly hurt Nesira once again. His eyes close, the weary look upon his shoulders weighing him down as if he had the weight of the world on them. Nesira's face clearly showed compassion, taking several steps toward him. He once again told her to forgive him, and Nesira looked at him through her shimmering blue and purple irises.  **"There's nothing to forgive."**  She said softly, as she moved toward him as he walked toward her. **"Please, talk to me. I'm here for you."**  Nesira said earnestly as Cullen shook his head.  
  
 **"You don't have to--"**  But suddenly he groaned and lost his footing, grabbing the side of his desk for support. Nesira's bottom lip parted from her top, concern crossing her face as she suddenly found her feet racing toward him to help him. She was much smaller and shorter than him but she couldn't help but feel this undying need to help him in some way. However, Cullen put his hand up, waving her back. Nesira wondered if this was him trying to keep her away or him trying to show strength. Nesira just wanted to help him that it burned within her bones.  **"Cullen.."**  
  
His head shook as he looked over to her.  **"I never meant for this to interfere, yet look what it has done. I nearly hurt you, and the inquisition, in my endeavor."**  Nesira moved closer toward him, her hand reaching out to touch his that was clinging to the desk. Her eyes held such compassion it was hard for Cullen to understand. How could she be so forgiving after what he had done to hear.  **"Cullen, please, let me help you. I want to help. Are you alright?"**  Nesira's lip curled into a kind smile, and Cullen was still confused as to how she had such an altruistic heart after what he had done.  **"Yes."**  He said automatically, something he was use to saying all the time though it was never true. At that moment, though, he refused to lie to her, and then shook his head.  **"I don't know."**  He replaced and then stood up.  
  
 **"You once asked what happened at the Ferelden's circle. I didn't tell you everything, I didn't want to worry you."**  He told her, as he moved to turn toward the window where a small breeze was blowing through.  **"It had been taken over by Abominations and blood mages. It was chaos and horror beyond anyone's imagination. One by one, the templars, my friends, were slaughtered."**  His voice was sharp and filled with pain as he re-encountered the history he tried to flee from. Nesira moved closer toward him, as she reached out to touch his arm and gazed at him. HIs eyes turned to look at her, pain and suffering etched into them that could never be removed. No words came from her mouth, but her eyes spoke volumes that she was listening and she would hold no judgment to what she heard. He looked over at her and than out the window.  **"We were all tortured. Hours pass on to days. We were denied food, water, and our minds were invaded. Demons were constantly attacking us. They....it was torture, there's no other way to explain it. This went on for nearly a month, and I watched as each of my friends died. They died from starvation, or the demons finally got to them and they were lost. Some even took their lives. In the end I was the only one left. They tried to break me Nesira, they tried to take away who I was. I always claimed they didn't but...they did, but in a different way. I never broke to them, but I lost my way. How can you be the same person after all of that?"**  He words from his voice were sharp as blades against the skin as it pained Nesira to hear this from him. She stood close to him but didn't touch him, giving him his moment to talk. To release the pain in words.  **"Than there was Kirkwall. I still wanted to serve, to do my duty. I thought I was doing better, but even than I treated people wrongly. We feared mages, believe they were nothing more than objects to be removed from the world. In the end, the woman I trusted, my Knight Commander lost her fight to insanity because of red lyrium and her desire to rid mages from the world and I turned against her because deep down, I knew all of this was wrong."**  He turned to gaze at her, his eyes filled with such agony. But there was an underlying anger in his worlds. Nesira could tell though, it was not at her but himself. Quietly she listened, allowing him to vent.  **"Her fear of mages ended in madness, and I turned against her. That circle fell, so many innocent died in the streets, mages included."**  His sharp eyes turned toward her as his hand came forward and pointed at her.  **"Can't you see why I want nothing to do what that life? Why I want it to just fade into the past like it never existed? I can't stand that I was part of it, any of it."**  Nesira reached toward him, her voice soft and touching his arm.  **"Of course I can! I-"**  
  
Suddenly Cullen pulled away from her touch, moving back and shaking his head.  **"Don't! You should be questioning me, questioning what I have done, how horrible I was."**  Nesira tilted her head, her brows softly and gave him a look.  **"Cullen, you are not that man. You are only human, like any of us. We all make mistakes, it's what we do afterward that determine what we are. You are a good man, trying to be better."**  Cullen gazed at her, unable to believe she would still accept him after his past, after nearly hurting her. Instead, she was here comforting him, showing him that all would be well. Cullen felt undeserving of her, of her pure spirit and kindness.  **"I thought this would be better. I thought that I would regain some control over my life, but these thoughts won't leave me..."** Cullen found himself suddenly pacing back and forth, moving closer toward the bookshelf and away from Nesira once again.  **"How many lives depend on our success? How many lives depend on me being at my best? I swore myself to this cause."**  He continued to pace back and forth as Nesira moved her feet closer to him, wanting to grab his arm but not wanting to interfere with his internal conflict as he spoke out about it.  **"I will _not_  give less to the inquisition, to you, than I did the chantry. I should be taking the damn lyrium. Damn it to the void, I should be TAKING IT!"** Suddenly his fist balled together and slammed into the bookshelf, causing Nesira to jump slightly at the quick flow of aggression moving from his voice into his hand. But she didn't back off, she didn't flinch away. Instead she moved closer to Cullen, noticing how fearful he was to help people. That's what he wanted to do, he had so much devotion to help people that he was determine to break his own will to do so. She couldn't help but feel a comradeship at that moment, as she would give anything to help people as well. But this was about him, his wants, his safety, his desires.  **"Cullen, I of all people know how much it means to want ot help people. But what I care about at the moment is what you want."**  She reached over to his arm that lingered to his side, his fist still smashed against the shelves.  **"What does your heart desire?"**  She said as she gazed at him. Slowly his look turned to linger on her, as he slowly exhaled. That breath was as if he was letting go of all his anxiety, his anger, and his pain. Nesira felt his muscles relax as her eyes caught his fist slowly releasing and dropping to his side.  **"No."**  Nesira stood in front of him, her hand on his arm still as she looked at him and he gazed upon her. Just being able to look at her, having her this close, gave him comfort.   
  
 **"But, these memories have always haunted me--if they become worse. IF I cannot endure this..."**  Immediately, Nesira's hand reached up to touch Cullen's cheek, gazing at him with such adoration and acceptance in the man she had fallen for.  **"Cullen, you can do this."**  She leaned forward, her hand coming to rest on his chest and her other hand that was on his cheek moved down to rest on his hear.  **"You can do this."**  She repeated, her voice reaffirming and confident, admiring him for his will to hold on so tightly.  **"I...alright. Nesira, your more than I could ever ask for."**  Cullen told her, as he reached up to hold her cheek.  **"You are so forgiving, so accepting. I don't deserve a woman like you."**  
  
Nesira leaned against his hand, her eyes unable to break the gaze with him.  **"Cullen, I feel for the man you are, not the man you were. Everything that happened to you, it made you who you are today. I do not wish for any harm to ever come to you again, but your history makes you the man I care for so deeply. No matter what happens, I'm going to stand by you, through your hardest challenges and your best moments. I will never leave your side."** Nesira spoke with such confidence and power that Cullen was left speechless for a moment. HE couldn't find the words at the moment, so instead he leaned down toward her and placed a kiss on her lips. The kiss that had been missing from his life these last few weeks because he was determine to keep her far from him to not hurt her again.  **"Nesira, thank you. I couldn't do this without you."**  He said, his thumb rubbing against her cheek.  **"Come, lets go have some dinner."**  He said, but before he could take her hand and leave, Nesira wrapped her arms around his armor, and even though she couldn't encircle his entire being, it was enough to be able to hold him again. Cullen, at the same time, wrapped his arms around her, resting his cheek upon her head.  **"I will never leave you again."**  HE told her softly, the two enjoying the embrace after so long.


End file.
